April 1, 2007, 10:52 am : Feeling Low

I’ve been feeling bad all morning, i’ve been awake all night and my mood just kept getting lower and lower for no reason. I still don’t know why i feel so bad, my eyes are still burning from all the tears and my nose is sore from cheap tissues. I was told to try to write what i was feeling down to help me but i’m still stuck for words. I’ve never had words for what i’m feeling, i can say if im sad or not so sad, which is about the total range of my mood (with some anger in between), but i can’t ever say why. Maybe if something happens right before, like someone say something bad about me, or i get bad news or have a fight with a friend, but a lot of the time i just drop for no reason and get stuck there for hours.

I’m not feeling so bad now, not great of course but not so bad, so maybe i could try to look at the things that made me stop crying. I guess i started to feel better when my best friend came back from playing his game, he talked to me in an IM for a bit then we moved to Skype. After a short chat there (we never say much to each other) he went to lie down and i decided to go for a shower. For some reason i started to clean the shower before i used it, which i never do, and then i just showered, the conditioner had just about run out and i had to shake it hard to get enough out. I got out of the shower and started crying again without reason, but it stopped soon and i haven’t teared up since so far.

It’s very strange i know but i don’t shower often as i never really go out and i really don’t like water, but when i do shower it can make me feel better, probably because i leave it so long that it feels like a weight off of me when i’m clean again, i don’t have greasy hair any more and my toes feel nice a cold afterwards. I know i’m discusting for not showering as often as i should but maybe it wouldn’t make me feel so good when i do if i did it more.

The person who suggested i write about why i felt so bad also suggested i could try drawing it, so i did, this only took about 2 minutes, so the quality is poor but i like how it turned out.

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